The Sound of Silence

Silence is a stubborn thing.

It speaks much more than words, though I’m usually quite terrible at it.

Usually.

Of course, this blog has been silent, and the noise that the silence makes in my head is near that of the thunder that shook my house two nights ago and knocked little wooden figurines off my mantle.  Or maybe less booming…more like the depth of silence you hear when you press your ear against a conch and hear the air whirring about it your ear canal and the pulse of your blood in your veins.

It has been a block, this blog.  Not a block from all of you, but a block from – well, from everything that used to taste so freshly sour, or bitter or sweet.   New grief has a depth of feeling around it that feels so horrifically awful and surprisingly releasing all the same.  Aged grief often tastes like paper pulp and sits in one’s stomach like an avocado pit.  

And then there is this:  we did an “open adoption” with our two remaining frozen embryos to the most wonderful young couple from across the country.   They traveled to cycle with our doctor and have the transfer done here.  We had dinner with them, laughed with them, cried with them, and wished up all the most delicious scenarios of how the children would get to know each other some day…special ‘sibling cousins’ who would be able to understand more about themselves through the connection of each other.

On the day or my twins’ birthday we got a call from our couple telling us that they were, indeed, pregnant!  My heart lifted in a way I had not felt in so very, very long to know that we helped to make a family come together just as God had planned it.  It seemed fitting to be on Abby and Will’s birthday.  Perfect.

But, her beta numbers were not rising the way they should.  And she did not continue the pregnancy.

And our heart just shattered for them that they tasted this dream, even met our children, only to have it pulled out from under them when everything seemed to point that this is where they were supposed to be standing.

I had forgotten how much I hate infertility.  Despite my own personal struggle, its razor edges had been dulled with the waves of parenthood and loss of Will.   I knew it was a horrible thing, infertility.  But to see it raked over this wonderful couple with such viciousness made me so aware again of its power…and its pain…and its evil games of hope.

And thus the block against this blog.  Because there is nothing I can/could say that makes this right for our dear couple - no delicious profanity that takes away their pain.

I guess I can only do this:  donating our frozen embryos was one of the most satisfying things that Mark and I have ever done as a couple.  To know that we were giving a chance of life for those embryos and a chance of children to our couple felt so amazingly fulfilling.  I sincerely wish that we had more to give them.

If you are thinking about donating your frozen embryos, I encourage you to talk about this with your mate.  The sooner they are used the better chance they have.  We initially went though a site called “SnowFlakes” and filled out their entire information packet (which was really helpful and bringing up all kinds of issues about who you want to donate to, do you want it open, etc);  however, the incredible cost for an adopting couple to go through Snowflakes (around $15K) turned us off.  Instead we went through a site with a minimal fee for adopting couples and free for donating couples called Miracles in Waiting where you basically self-match with other couples.

Sigh.  So there it is.  The post I wanted to write was the fairytale post about this couple becoming pregnant and letting us be the tiniest part of their already wonderful family.  But instead I come to tell you that I hate infertility and loss and miscarriages.

And…

that I’ve been obsessed with extreme couponing (yeah, seriously) precisely because it has not even the slightest bit to do with stillborn babies and fertility charts.   And I can’t promise that this new passion might find its way here despite its banal nature.

But it is what it is.

Abby and Sam are great.  Kmart is running a double coupon special this week.  Awesome.

It’s hot out.

Be back sooner than later.

Sincerely,

EVE