The Twins’ birthday was last week.
It is hard to celebrate Abby walking and laughing and grinning and talking and cooing and dancing and living and Will in a tiny little silver box upon our piano. Still, I didn’t expect it would be so nearly impossible to force myself to plan a birthday for just one child.
Grief’s a bitch.
Frankly, that’s all I can think to say tonight.
Grief’s a bitch, and she kicks you smack in the teeth right when you find yourself smiling despite it all…right when you find yourself talking about healing and about lessons and about the good that God can bring from bad.
FFFFFFFFFFFttttttttt. There’s her foot in your face, and you’re tasting blood and dirt again just like the day the world stopped when you lost whomever it was that you never really thought you would lose, and you find yourself unable to function to do even the slightest little thing.
It’s a real pisser (dare I say) to have the joy of Abby’s birthday and the sorrow of Will’s on the same day. A pisser.
Anyway.
Mark was the one who bought boxed cake mix and canned icing the day before her birthday and made the cupcakes. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to…but that my ability to do so was encased in cement. Logically, I knew what had to be done (I had picked out a sweet Little Tykes kitchen for her the week before)…but I could not. It was also Mark who picked out three balloons: a smiley face for Sam because he is our brave big brother, a butterfly for Abby because she is our little earthly angel, and a car for Will…because every little boy deserves a car.
We have no family here and we planned no big party. Just the four of us at home to unwrap presents, go out to Mexican and then to visit Will’s tree and light his lantern. Sam and I were delighted to find Will’s tree surrounded by patches of wild violets that had yet been mowed. Sam was the first to pick one, but I think I was the first to put it on the tree. We covered his tree with little violets.
And then we set Abby next to Will’s tree and told her about her twin brother. She gleefully plucked off the little violets and shook the tree heartily, grasping tightly around its narrow trunk.
More bitter than sweet this first birthday was for me.
We plan to have an ‘official’ birthday party for Abby in the next few weeks with friends and birthday hats and fancy cake and whatnot.
…but I couldn’t fathom all that fanfare on the actual day that Will was born to this earth, even if his spirit already lived in heaven.
…lately I find myself in the place that I’m sure every babylost mother has been before me: so intensely aware that the world moves on without your lost baby. That the world forgets. Good gracious, the world forgets us all eventually unless we do something extraordinarily great or extraordinarily terrible. I have the energy for neither…just to remember my William and love my Sam and Abby.
And that’s as good as it gets for now.
21 comments
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April 19, 2011 at 3:36 am
Finding My New Normal
It’s so bittersweet isn’t it? Trying to honor your son while celebrating with your daughter. But you got through it, and each year you will get better at it. Perhaps in time it won’t be so painful.
April 19, 2011 at 7:42 am
Karen
I vividly remember my Will’s first birthday. It was so, so hard to be happy and celebrate all the while knowing that Lila wasn’t also turning one. My Will is 3 now and birthdays are still hard, but not nearly as hard as that first one. That just smacked me in the face because I wasn’t expecting it. *hugs* mama, grief gets easier and harder; easier and harder.
April 19, 2011 at 8:16 am
Kristin
{{{Hugs}}} and prayers as you grieve your Will and celebrate the wonder that is Abby.
April 19, 2011 at 8:22 am
Dani
Grief is a tough mother sometimes. I haven’t had to face a loss such as yours but I know I had a hard time on my son’s first birthday. The memories of the NICU and the roller-coaster of fear left me spinning from one moment to the next.
Abby and Sam will make it easier for you. Will will live on through them and it helps that you are sharing him with them and letting him be remembered.
April 19, 2011 at 9:08 am
Brooke
I hate how hard the birthday was for you. It’s so terribly unfair. I think it’s a beautiful thing that you were able to celebrate Abby while at the same time paying tribute to Will. I hope and pray that the sweet will be greater than the bitter in years to come.
April 19, 2011 at 9:11 am
babysmiling
Abby grasping Will’s tree is such a touching thought.
April 19, 2011 at 10:00 am
kimbosue
Just know that we interneters haven’t forgotten….
Happy Birthday Will & Abby!
April 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm
almostif
My heart and my thoughts are with you at this time xxx
April 19, 2011 at 9:07 pm
Claire
Take care and take time. We will remember. Sweet Abby holding Will’s tree:)
Big hugs!
April 20, 2011 at 6:39 am
Alison
I have never had to endure heart breaking loss while celebrating such sweet and beautiful life like you have had to. I can only imagine the extreme highs and the extreme lows that must drag you through!
I want you to know that Will is not forgotten and will always be remembered and cherished along with his sweet and beautiful sister Abby and his handsome oh-so-grown-up brother Sam.
The photos are precious, especially the one of Abby holding onto Will’s tree. May you find some peace and comfort that will soothe the ache and help you to enjoy the happier moments! Hugs!!
April 20, 2011 at 9:03 am
Tess Keys
I’m so sorry that these wonderful milestones with Abby are tinged with joy. It isn’t the same thing, but I feel that way about my mother and her death…her diagnosis and death are tied into milestones with Maya, so every bit of joy reminds me of what I have lost at the same time. As we approach the year mark, I am reminded that this is my first mother’s day with a daughter…and my first one without my mother. Maya’s birth marks a year since my mom got sick, and I, too, find it hard to think about celebrating.
Someone suggested that I think about what my mom would have done – and know that she is celebrating our joys, too. And, while he lived not nearly long enough, perhaps you can celebrate even the brief time that Will was yours…and celebrate the good things that he did bring to your life. Will’s existence has brought you a new kind of strength – and multiplied your ability to love. That doesn’t diminish your grief in any way…but you can love and live through the grief.
I have to say, every day I wonder how the world is still going without my mother in it. It baffles me that the world just goes on as if nothing happened, because my world has been forever thrown off kilter. I think everyday I stop and ask “how is she really gone?” at least once, and I shed a few tears. And then I get up and work on functioning.
I have to believe that every person leaves a mark on the world – YOU, Abby, Mark, all of us have forever been touched by Will’s presence, and that impact will shape the world in ways that maybe we can’t immediately discern. But, his existence did change people and this world – and that matters. Just like my mother left her mark on this world, too, and that mattered. So, while I’m not babylost, I’m mommylost…and I am all too keenly aware of how broken it can feel.
Your pictures are beautiful and try to focus on the joy you have in Abby growing up…and know that Will has forever made his impression on this world, too, and celebrations for Abby ALSO celebrate Will, and keep him close.
April 20, 2011 at 6:27 pm
Aisha
This post made me burst into tears. I’ve followed you for so long and it just breaks my heart. Grief is a bitch isn’t it? I am so sorry. Thinking of your sweet Will, and remembering him with you.
April 20, 2011 at 7:00 pm
a
Happy birthday to Abby and to Will. Thinking of you all…
April 21, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Maria
Oh Eve, how hard everything must be for you…trying to be happy on Abby’s birthday but still in grief for your beautiful Will. Lots of love xx
April 21, 2011 at 7:02 pm
Kari
You amaze me with your honest, heartfelt posts. I could never be brave enough to show my emotions so honestly you truly are someone to admire. I think of you all often and hope that your pain will lessen with time but I know that Will will never be far from your thoughts.
April 22, 2011 at 8:04 am
Keiko
An incredibly beautiful, touching, and haunting post. Moved to tears yesterday reading it and had to come back this morning to comment.
“That the world forgets. Good gracious, the world forgets us all eventually unless we do something extraordinarily great or extraordinarily terrible.” It’s amazing how the act of birth and creation so perilously is linked with death in that moment, and how even in creation, we are reminded of our own eventual destruction. Of how small we feel. You express this beautifully and with such poignance.
And now on a totally random tangent, I also just wanted to let you know I’ve given you a blog award here: http://bit.ly/enB8ib. I don’t have your email or twitter so I wanted to let you know here.
April 26, 2011 at 12:05 am
thinking of you
I think of you and you baby Will often, sending you many (((hugs))).
April 26, 2011 at 5:44 pm
marina
I am thinking of you. Happy birthday to Abby and Angel Will. Praying for you daily.
May 13, 2011 at 7:51 pm
Tasha
And so I am here again, just checking on you. I feel like we used to keep in touch to some degree on the message boards and now I just follow you here. I think of you often and hope you know how much love and support you have from the SK ladies, even if you won’t join us on Facebook ; )
June 13, 2011 at 3:51 am
Wendy
Thinking of you Eve. Still checking in here and hoping you are doing well.
June 25, 2011 at 8:02 am
Sophie
Yes, it is a pisser. Sending hugs.