We are done having kids.
This is not a news flash for anyone who knows me in RL. And this is not the post to mourn this issue (I’m sort of telling YOU and MYSELF that at once, you see). I’m saying this to explain that fact that I am in a sort of Craigslist Hell right now, because, well…we are not in need of keeping large bins full of tiny little sleepers and baby wash cloths and receiving blankets and bouncy seats and infant carseats et cetera, et cetera-aaaaaaah.
Side note, when we made the ‘done having kids’ thing official via a the big-ole V for Mark, I explained to Sam that “Daddy is having a little surgery so he won’t have babies any longer.”
To which Sam protested, “But Mommy, I LIKE Abby! I want to keep her!”
ME…ROTFL!
(psssst…Mom, if you’re reading this…that’s Rolling-On-The-Floor-Laughing)
It wasn’t a choice, really, being done. We don’t have the money for more treatments. We really don’t have the money for more college tuitions – let alone more shoes and haircuts and soccer seasons and whatnot. We DEFINITELY don’t have the money for another entire pregnancy with me out-of-commission again. But more than money…my body is not only a poor study at getting pregnant, but it isn’t that great at actually being pregnant either. I count myself extremely fortunate that I have two healthy children with the pre-term labor problems and other issues I had with both pregnancies.
But two doesn’t make up for losing Will. I often feel our family is unfinished, but I know that having one more or two more or eight more kids would not make up the special place that Will has in my heart.
So we are at the end of an era. And it feels sad – well – saddish like the sad you feel when you come to the end of summer or leave a good job or something. I’m not letting myself feel any sadder than that…or maybe I just now have perspective on true soul-ache. And this does not feel like soul-ache. It also feels incredibly freeing to know that I no longer have to pay any sort of attention to my menstrual cycle, or cervical mucus, or slap down large fees for rude, pregnant technicians to tell me that my cycle’s been cancelled because of a cyst…or that I could load myself up with all kinds of legal OR illegal drugs without care for the consequence to an unborn life (not that I would, Mom).
I’m sort of as normal (in a weird sense) as I get these days.
…of course, I caught the husband of our young couple quietly looking at Will’s picture on the piano as I did my best sales job on the Chicco Keyfit carseat and Snap N Go stroller (which I sold to them by the way) and remembered that I’m not so normal.
But then again…
who is?
7 comments
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March 27, 2011 at 7:24 am
BigP's Heather
Sam is so cute!!
I read this last night and have been thinking about it, but still not sure what to say. I’m happy and sad for you all at the same time.
March 27, 2011 at 12:01 pm
a
Craigslist is hell anyway, much of the time. But add emotional attachment to hopes and dreams embodied in clothing and baby gear…it becomes even more special.
March 27, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Kristin
You really seem to be at peace with this. I am glad for that.
March 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm
kimbosue
We just had that talk too. Happy and sad.
March 29, 2011 at 11:08 am
Cathy
Awww, Sam loves his sissy! Just precious.
I’m so glad you posted about this topic though… our kids turned one just the other day and for a month or so now we’ve been tossing around the idea of “what if” we get pregnant again. We want to, but should we? When is the best timing? And so on. At first I was entertaining the idea casually, almost like we were high schoolers daring to do something forbidden. It would be great if we were able to “accidentally” get pregnant, but my mind realizes a fresh IVF cycle is where we’d likely end up again. All the worries started rushing back – but now there are even more concerns since my first (last) pregnancy was very high risk. How would I manage with the kids if that happened again and what would they do if mommy was in the hospital like last time. We don’t have family very close to help with day to day stuff. I think we’ve arrived that in a couple/few years when the kids are older we may try again… I really need to put it in God’s hands as I did a year ago when trouble was at our doorstep and that is always so hard for me (an admitted minor control freak).
After dealing with infertility and all else, I can’t imagine how hard it is/was to make that big “done” decision, but in a way, like you said, there’s such peace sometimes when you just “know”.
~Cathy
April 6, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Keiko
A brave post, a brave decision. Thinking of you and holding you and your family in my heart.
April 15, 2011 at 4:07 pm
Tasha
We are *done*, yet I have 3 frozen embies and planning to store them for a while until I really commit. So hard for me to decide what to do with them. I wouldn’t mind having another, but don’t feel like we can comfortably afford one in the way we want to provide for them.