Dear Nurse with the Pink Scrubs,
Hi. Remember me? I remember you. In fact, my heart dropped when your head poked out of the inner office yesterday to call me back to the exam room. I grimly obeyed your commands: stood on the scale and watched the numbers climb, sat on the paper-covered table and held my arm out for the blood pressure cuff. Lifted my shirt, pulled down my down my high-waisted maternity jeans, and laid back on the table for the doppler.
You left the room to get the doppler, never once looking me in the eye.
You left my chart open. I clearly saw it in the chart this time, the word TWINS scrawled atop my weight/stats chart with a red line hurriedly slashed through it. I know you saw it, too.
I know you didn’t even need to see that horrific note to know. You remember that day, four weeks ago when I entered the exam room smiling and at ease. You asked me about my son and joked with me about your own pregnancy with a warm and casual way about you. When you put the doppler to my belly and found Abby quickly, we both smiled.
When you struggled to find Will’s heartbeat, you became quiet in concentration. You left the room to get another nurse. You brought Sam a lollipop and read him a book while two other nurses hunted for the reassuring sound of second heartbeat.
Did you already know?
When I came back for my next appointment, I caught your eye as you passed the by the lab, where I sat, waiting to see if Will’s body was poisoning my blood. Your eyes skipped across mine like I was but a stain of dirt on the floor.
Yesterday, you came back into the exam room, doppler in hand, and I guided you to Abby. You counted the beats quietly. “150 beats per minute,” you said, and wiped the jelly off my stomach. I was crying, but you didn’t offer me a tissue. You just quickly packed up the doppler and headed straight for the door…
as if you might catch my deadbaby pox.
And you will never know that I was crying, not because of the doppler exam itself (which is like reliving the same horrific crash scene at each doctor’s visit), but because your inability to acknowledge me and my loss is like losing Will over and over again
each time I see you.
* * * *
Dear Nancy the Nurse practitioner,
Thank you for looking me in the eye and sitting with my tears.
Thank you for handing me Kleenex.
Thank you for offering me pamphlets of therapists who I can talk to.
Thanks for doing an ultrasound, even though we probably didn’t need to, so I could see Abby’s beautiful little body, face, and fluttering heart.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for asking what Will’s name is.
Thank you for holding my pain,
but for the briefest time.


36 comments
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February 12, 2010 at 1:02 pm
Heather
I’m sorry Pink Scrubs couldn’t/wouldn’t acknowledge it all.
I wish people in the medical field had to go through some sort of sensitivity training.
February 12, 2010 at 1:11 pm
a
Pink scrubs probably doesn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t know either. She may be afraid to say the wrong thing. I know I would be. But then, I know my limitations and I don’t work with the public, because I don’t ever know the right thing to say. So maybe she should find a different line of work. Because bad things are discovered at doctor’s offices far more often than good things.
I’m sorry that she is incapable. I’m glad Nancy the NP is there for you, though.
February 12, 2010 at 1:15 pm
cowgirltn
I am sorry for pinks scrubs. Maybe she should wear black scrubs with skull and cross bones on it.
Blessing for Nurse Nancy. Maybe she should pink scrubs with red hearts.
February 12, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Megan
I think that sometimes people who are unfamiliar with death and tragedy just don’t know how to deal with it. Once you have been there it becomes more comfortable and you aren’t scared of it anymore.
Sometimes I think people are scared that acknowledgment is painful. They don’t know that not acknowleging is even more painful.
I wish our society would accept that it is OK to talk about sad stuff rather than ignore it and sweep it under the rug. I think it would make everyone feel a lot better.
February 12, 2010 at 1:34 pm
Sunny
I can understand that it was an uncomfortable situation for nurse Pink Scrubs. Surely the most difficult part of her job. But that doesn’t excuse it. Even if it doesn’t come natural to her to show empathy in this sort of situation, she should be instructed on basic ettiquette. I hope that when you feel up to it, you write a letter to the office about these two nurses.
February 12, 2010 at 1:47 pm
Sonja
*hugs* I agree with Sunny, letters should be written. *hugs*
February 12, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Andrea
Bless your heart. What a striking and poignant post! I am would love if something like this could be distributed to “helping” professionals to help educate them on how devestating it is to be ignored when you are grieving. I know they know, but do they know the depth of your pain and how experiences like this reinforce it? You write beautifully, and I pray that this is cathartic and healing for you. And thank God for the NP. May God bless her for the kindness she showed to you.
February 12, 2010 at 2:01 pm
K
Oh Eve, please please please print out this post and give it to your doctor. PLEASE. Its so important. If she is doing this to you can you imagine how many other people’s hearts she’s breaking? Someone has to put a stop to it. Not like what she’s doing is illegal but in the profession she is in, in the practice she works for, this is simply inexcusable.
(hugs) Sorry you had to go through that.
February 12, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Kathi
As another nurse, I want to apologize for her behavior, but know that it won’t help. If nothing else, it will remind me to stop and really look at my patients and remember that a touch on the hand can mean the world to someone. I would like to think that a simple “I’ve been thinking of you” would be easy enough to say without going into to much detail… Maybe she just truly doesn’t have any compassion, which is really a shame.
Please take care, and know that there are others you don’t even know that are keeping you close at heart.
February 12, 2010 at 2:36 pm
kimbosue
Is it bad that I want to dig Pink Scrubs’ eyes out for you?
And give Nancy NP a hug around the neck?
February 12, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Kellie
Eve – Im sorry and Im angry. I’m with kimbosue. Maybe a bunch of us can get together and find ‘ole pink scrubbs.
Fear is ruling pink scrubs and it’s sad. She’d learn if she just even said ‘Im sorry for your lose’ she would grow as well.
In the meantime a blog filled with disgruntled readers towards ole pink scrubs could be dangerous. : )
Kellie
February 12, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Laura Pearce
I often find myself crying after your posts these days Eve, today, I find myself a bit pissed off, both at Pink Scrubs and at the folks who let her insensitive self see patients who deserve better.
February 12, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Lut C.
A tough situation for the nurse, but tougher for you.
It would be great if everyone knew exactly the right thing to say all the time.
February 12, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Cindy
As a Nurse, I am disgusted by pink scrubs. As a Nurse Practitioner, I am proud of Nancy.
I know you may not feel up to it now, but it would be perfectly appropriate to send a letter (or even this post) to the OB or to the office manager….because truly, even not knowing what to say, her treatment is really inappropriate. If she is really a nurse, she should know better.
Really, as human beings, we should all know better.
I’m sorry you had to experience any of this…
February 12, 2010 at 3:55 pm
Jackie
Sadly, for most of us, only going through a tragedy educates us on the best way to handle other people’s tragedies.
Before my miscarriage, I would have probably done something similar to Pink Nurse, just avoid the topic entirely.
But now I know different–acknowledgment means the world. Even “I don’t know what to say. I am so sorry.” is better than nothing.
It seems unfair that you would have to bring it up, but that may be the only way to get any kind of response from her.
I wish you the best! And, hope that the next doctor’s appointment will be better for you!
February 12, 2010 at 8:26 pm
musicmakermomma
Thank God for people like Nancy the NP! So many people go through life so afraid to ruffle a feather or acknowledge a feeling – it seems amazing to hear about it but I bet PS didn’t let herself even think about it. I’m so sorry.
I’m glad to hear Abby is doing well, I’m sure that makes you happy even through your sorrow for Will. I did love the pregnancy pictures you took, they are beautiful.
February 12, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Christina
Oh, wow. I am so sorry to hear about that. There is NO excuse for her behavior. As a member of the medical community, I strongly encourage you to write a letter (or this beautiful post) to the practice when you are up for it. Your words have the power to change her actions. This should absolutely be brought to her attention (though I’m sorry you’re the one who has to do it…:(
February 12, 2010 at 10:49 pm
PFM
It sucks that she continues to hurt you. Sensitivity training indeed.
February 12, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Akulmama
A very powerful piece. We had kind and gentle nurses but we still do not know what happened to our son who was born with an APGAR score of 9/10 and had a brain bleed 10 hours later and died 3 days after being taken off life support. SO I do not know who to thank and who to blame!!!!
February 13, 2010 at 12:15 am
Sally
What an awful situation for you, Eve. PS needs to know that not mentioning your loss is so hurtful. Maybe it will make her more capable in dealing with situations like that in the future. I hope you can spend your energy with the people who comfort you the most.
So good to hear that Abby is healthy.
February 13, 2010 at 12:23 am
Amanda Zika
Wow! I am stunned at her behavior. I definitely think your doctor needs to know about this. Sadly, we know these situations happen and if she is treating you with this awful behavior then I am sure she has, is and will treat others that have gone through losing their children the same way. Eve, I am so sorry in the midst of your heartbreak and losing Will that you have to deal with a jerk like her. Thank God for Nancy. She sounds caring. Can you request her from now on and not see the other nurse? You really do not need anymore stress than you already have. Ugh! I am so irritated right now though. I cannot believe how uncaring and unsensitive people can be. Even if she was uncomfortable in that situation she could at least gave you a tissue and told you she has been thinking about you.
February 13, 2010 at 7:16 am
babysmiling
I’m so sorry that going to check on how well Abby is doing has to remind you of that day and even create new pain.
February 13, 2010 at 9:16 am
Michelle
I have had many such experiences with pink scrubs nurse who does not know what to say. I am sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes they just do not know and do not understand. I think the ones that are nice and do help make up for the ones that don’t. Sending you lots of hugs!
February 13, 2010 at 1:26 pm
Kate
Wow. I’d seriously consider writing a note of complaint to the office about pink nurse’s behaviour. She seriously needs some training in empathy and people skills. Totally unacceptable.
Thank God for that nurse practicioner who treated you the way you deserve.
February 13, 2010 at 2:37 pm
Autumn
My younger brother died on the 25th of January. Before loosing him, I had no idea what to do to comfort someone who was grieving. The nurse in pink is probably this type of person. Blissfully ignorant, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of overstepping her place, afraid of YOU because your grief is so strange and scary to her.
I was just like that once.
Now I know how important those words are, those touches, that acknowledgment of my grieving. Now I know.
Sadly, one day the nurse in pink will understand the hurt of loss. She’ll know better what to do to comfort others. She’ll regret all the times she didn’t go that extra step to make someone hurting feel better.
I know how much it hurts. I’m so sorry for you loss. I keep waiting for my own pain to lessen. It comes and goes like waves. I wish I could wish it all away for both of us, undo what was done, have our boys back.
February 13, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Christy W
Eve,
I just stumbled across your blog from another and am just so heartbroken. I lost both my twins at 23.3 weeks due to an infection and my mebranes rupturing. I am just shocked and frozen with what you have to go through right now.
Will and Abby are beautiful names.
I have heard the worst experiences with hospital staff-especially nurses and receptionists, and I guess doctors, too, so never mind. Nobody reads your chart, they ask you stupid, insensitive questions, totally avoid your loss or just say something ilke “sorry.” and move on. It’s not fair and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that this is happenign to you and that your Will has passed away.
I know I’m sorry doesn’t help. But Will is a real person and we will remember him here.
Take care of you. Keep blogging. While most of us haven’t been through what you are going through, we can relate in some ways at least. (at least? I hate that expression and I’m sorry).
I’m rambling. Be gentle with yourself.
February 13, 2010 at 7:23 pm
isntitprettytothinkso
you should send these letters.
February 14, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Alexicographer
Oh dear. I’m glad Abby is doling well and that 50% of the nurses you encountered in this recent visit were … appropriate. And concerned. And caring.
Do I understand from your post that pink-scrubs nurse is also pregnant? Because not that it justifies her behavior, but I can see where that would leave her (as it of course leaves you) especially vulnerable. Still, as you suggest, she should do better. I’m glad the NP did.
February 14, 2010 at 1:46 pm
jill brochard
Eve –
Like Laura, I often cry after reading your post — I thank you for your honesty, I feel like I learn something with each word, realise the mistakes I have made in the past and acknowlege that I was not “abnormal” to feel they way I did after my losses. I think you you, Will and Abby everyday
February 14, 2010 at 7:22 pm
jen
Eve, it’s just so unfair that you have to deal with insensitive people on top of your terrible loss. I agree that you should send that letter to the office, if you feel up to it. I just had to deal with clueless office staff. They never look at my chart and always ask when my last period was. When I say August they ask the STUPIDEST questions. I had had enough this last time and I snapped, I had a miscarriage, and the nurse got mad! I told my doctor I could not deal with that and she highlighted my chart, apologized profusely, and talked to the staff. I would hope that your doctor could do the same. You shouldn’t have to go through that hell every time you go there.
If you are as non-confrontational as me or just can’t handle it, maybe a close friend or relative can call the office or deliver a letter.
If nothing else we are all here to let you vent, and I hope she gets a clue.
February 15, 2010 at 8:27 am
ncblondie
I am also in the medical field and overhear crying patients in the blood drawing rooms across from my lab. The venipuncture techs almost never know what to do when a lady is crying in their blood drawing chair. They are afraid to ask or to pry. We see a lot of infertility patients and their grief ranges from negative pregnancy tests to miscarriage and late pregnancy loss. I wish that every one you (and these ladies) encounter had “the nerve” to acknowledge your grief and without prying, just give you a touch or a pat or some eye contact…at least that would open the door if you wanted to talk about the tears.
I’m not excusing her behavior in any way because I absolutely think she knows everything about you and your loss and is paralyzed as to what to do or say about it. I don’t think she is being insensitive on purpose (did you feel that way about her before?) She was there when you found out, she didn’t forget. I believe she is scared to speak about it, to be the one to make you cry more at the thought and to be once again connected to this overwhelming and devastating loss that she discovered. Thank goodness the NP was strong enough to grieve with you, she knows her patients need this. I agree with sending your post/letter to your OB. That Dr. would want to know and that RN doesn’t know how she is being perceived. She wouldn’t be in nursing if she wasn’t compassionate on some level.
We are here to listen and we can talk about Will every day that you want to. We’ll say things like “It’s so not fair” and “why did this happen?” and “please, God, take care of Abby and bring her here safely.” Will is still there with you and a part of him always will be. Maybe he was given to you briefly so you could have his sister forever? It’s so hard to understand. We won’t be worried about bringing up his name for fear that it will make you sad. We know you are hurting and we are here with our virtual box of Kleenex and a hand to hold. ((hugs))
February 16, 2010 at 4:00 pm
katery
i went to a doctor’s appt after switching from my re to my ob, obviously i had already had multiple ultrasounds at the re’s office but it was still exciting the first time the ob used the doppler on me (it was always reassuring to hear that little heartbeat thumping away). as i was leaving one of the nurse’s called out to me “how did everything sound, you don’t have twins in there or anything do you?!!” i guess i sort of froze, i couldn’t even think of a way to respond to her, i took a couple more steps to the receptionists desk and quietly said “well, we did have twins but now it’s just the one.” the receptionist felt awful but it wasn’t her fault, i wonder if that nurse thinks a little harder before she speaks now.
February 17, 2010 at 2:58 pm
T
I’m sorry Eve that you are having to deal with Pink Scrubs. Like another poster said, she probably hasn’t dealt with babyloss before and could be terrified of saying anything to hurt you. She could be fresh out of school, and this could be the first loss she has handled. I’m not defending her standoffishness (is that a word?!). The truth is she probably is EXTREMELY sorry and perhaps even a tad guilty that she was “the nurse who couldn’t find the heartbeat”. Maybe she thinks you blame her, as ludicrous as that sounds, she could be re-hashing every u/s you ever had before, trying to remember if there was anything that was a precursor to Will’s death. I’m sure she just feels awful and with each passing visit, it becomes more awkward to say anything. She is, afterall, the nurse who couldn’t find the heartbeat. A fact she will probably remember for the rest of her life.
February 17, 2010 at 2:59 pm
T
Oh, and it’s me, Trinity.
Huge hugs to you all.
February 17, 2010 at 3:22 pm
susy
I’m sorry PinkScrubs couldn’t even look at you. Might be understandable that she doesn’t know what to say, but to be treated as such is awful. Glad that NancyNP was there to give you a kleenex and just be with you for a bit. My heart goes to you, and I’m sorry about little baby Will. I pray that you and Abby get through this, together.
February 18, 2010 at 12:22 am
Michell
I’m so sorry. Hugs to you.