The other morning, early in the morning when Abby’s kicks awaken me, I lay in bed and let my thoughts scurry the way I used to run my fingers along a row of musty books at the library, randomly picking one out, reading the inside flap only to pluck another one a few seconds later. This particular morning, I was thinking of this new life I’m in now. Life after loss. And the picture of a house came vividly in my mind:
my new house, in which I dwell.
It is a large house, with many rooms. There are dark rooms and light rooms. Rooms with windows to see out to the future, and dark cellar rooms, with locks that stick and cobwebbed corners. There are rooms with God and rooms of great emptiness. Rooms with music and laughter and rooms with endless crying. There are bitter rooms and rooms with forgiveness. Rooms with life and rooms with death.
Each day, I wander about this house, sometimes spending most of my day in one room, and sometimes aimlessly traveling to many rooms in the span of one conversation. People are allowed to visit my house, but they don’t live here. I allow them into some rooms, and lock them out of others. They find it cumbersome to visit long, as if the house pulls their life-breath away.
I think, a few times anyway, I’ve left this new house. Ventured out into the blinding world like emerging from a darkened theatre. The world seems to run at a different speed than I do now. It’s overexposed, and I squint my eyes to make out the details. The sound is not quite right. Too loud at times. Too quiet at times. The people speak a foreign language. I don’t hear their words, only the rapid cadence of their speech. It is disorienting and dizzying to me now that I’ve moved homes. I knew this world once. And though it seems familiar to me, in once-dreamt type of way, I’m a foreigner in it now.
My new house sits away from the world, deep in a valley. I’m still discovering the hidden doors and secret passageways here. Sometimes by accident, I open a closet and find a piece of joy or peek into a corner and see a demon’s shadow. I hate this house in many ways. It is my prison, but it’s also my haven.
It is, after all, where Will is.
As time passes, as it always does, I’ll do as all the other parents of lost children do: I’ll learn the language of the world again. I’ll shield my eyes from the sun and reacclimate to its pace. I’ll pass, quite well, for a regular person.
But every night, no matter how many winters have melted and summers have cooled, (just as every child-lost parent before me) I’ll retreat back to this house again. My house where Will is,
and remember that little boy who almost was born, and visit with him there,
giggling in his would-be room.


25 comments
Comments feed for this article
January 31, 2010 at 3:58 pm
musicmakermomma
Eve, you are a beautiful person – this is a heart-wringing but lovely post. I think about all the babies who didn’t quite make it and hope they are in a nice place. Thinking of you.
January 31, 2010 at 6:48 pm
a
What an apt metaphor. I hope you don’t have to live long in this house, and that soon you will spend most of your time in the bright and happy rooms.
January 31, 2010 at 7:17 pm
Melissa G
My heart hurts so much for you. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
January 31, 2010 at 8:12 pm
Sunny
I hope you don’t mind if I ask Mel to kirtsy this. It is haunting and gorgeous and heartbreaking… you are wonderful to share this with us, and I continue to pray for you.
January 31, 2010 at 8:22 pm
babysmiling
What a way to turn it around. Instead of the world being where Will isn’t, you’ve found the place where he is. Beautiful.
January 31, 2010 at 8:34 pm
amanda
Eve, I just came across your blog a few days ago, and I’m so very sorry for your loss. I wanted to tell you that my beloved son, Peter, was born last April when I was 27 weeks and 3 days pregnant – which, by my count, is exactly where you are today. He is now seven months corrected age, and so far a happy, healthy, beautiful boy. Peter had a twin brother named Henry, who died in utero the day they were born. I know that every parent’s experience is different, but I also know that I have some idea how you are feeling right now, and my heart breaks for you. At the same time, I am full of hope that your Abby will be born healthy and beautiful. Just know that someone who has been somewhere close to where you are is reading this and praying for you and your family.
January 31, 2010 at 9:47 pm
Alisa
I’ve come to visit your blog and cry with you, sent by my friend Sunny. I too am a Mom of a lost twin. I read what you wrote since 24 weeks and I am shocked (although not sure why I am) at how you wrote exactly what I went through. And if we are in similar towns as Sunny says we are, I even know Maggie. I never knew it was possible to lose one baby – I was naive and so optimistic. I knew about premature, but that was the worse thing that I imagined when i was pregnant. And now reading your grief, I am there again, grieving with you, grieving for my girl, Maren, again. I wish I could give you words of comfort to make it better, to make the pregnancy less scary, but you know there is nothing anybody can say that will make it better until she is here and safe. I have a joy filled story after loss, but even that won’t matter until she is here. I wish you peace, comfort and hope while you wait. If you would like to talk, correspond, please let me know. I’ll be here when and if you are ready.
January 31, 2010 at 10:49 pm
Laine
Thank you so much for sharing your story and honoring us to know Will. Your writing is so lovely and so… true. Reading your last post I could so understand the rooms of your house (I am greiving multiple losses and hanging on to a pregnancy right now). After reading many of your posts, I want to hug you, hug Dr. Hope, bring you cookies and soup and a funny movie while you are on bedrest, and bring you tissues and hold Sam for you when you want to but just can’t. My prayers, with so many others here, are with you and Abby. Love to you both!
January 31, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Laura Pearce
Not much to say tonight, just wanted to let you know I’m still rooting for you and Abby.
February 1, 2010 at 8:02 am
kimbosue
My heart aches for you, Eve. I am still thinking of you and your babies.
February 1, 2010 at 11:05 am
V
Came over from the Lost and Found. I have no words that could possibly ease your pain. So I’ll just send you a virtual ((hug)).
February 1, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Brenda
I came via Lost and Found. Eve, I am so sorry. I have been reading for a few weeks, but have been unable to comment, as I feel that anything that I say is so inadequate. Know that I think of you and of your children every day. I send you my dearest thoughts.
February 1, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Alexicographer
This is a beautiful post.
I continue to think of you and all of your family, and to hope for the best for Abby as she continues to grow inside of you.
February 1, 2010 at 3:22 pm
jen
Thank you, Eve. What a beautiful metaphor – it helps me to think of something like that and so accurately portrays the foreigness of waking up in the babyloss world. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you, hang in there.
February 1, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Rebecca
Brought here from LFCA, I know that there are no words I can give to comfort you at this time. Just wanted to say you are in my prayers & that your post although painful was beautifully written.
February 1, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Alana-isms
Beautifully written. Continuing to think of you…
February 1, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Virginia
Yes – you’ve got it, the house you will visit every day, even after you learn to pass as “normal.”
I’m so sorry about your precious Will. Wishing you strength for the journey.
February 1, 2010 at 9:54 pm
Claire
Hi Eve,
I have been thinking of you and your sweet Will and Abby since I read your blog a few weeks ago. My hopes and heartfelt prayers are with you. You write beautifully from such pain. I’m hoping and praying that you and Abby stay strong and keep getting stronger. Take care:)
February 1, 2010 at 10:26 pm
Katie
Thinking of you and your little boy.
February 1, 2010 at 11:18 pm
Jana
Eve, I can feel how much you love Will. I am sure he misses you too.
February 2, 2010 at 7:06 am
JD
I’m also new to your blog but this post was so striking that I had to comment. What a vivid and beautiful metaphor to describe loss and grief. Thinking of you and your family and wishing you all lots of strength for the journey ahead.
February 2, 2010 at 7:11 am
edenland
Eve I want you to know that I think of you often, hold you up in my thoughts. In the midst of all of this pain, you are an extraordinary writer. Keep writing it out, mate.
I heard this on a TV show tonight … “We all have grief. We just wear it in different ways.”
Continued love and care to you, your husband, and both of your beautiful babies.
XO
February 2, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Lut C.
This post speaks to me. I’m moved and I gives some insight in what you’re going through.
February 4, 2010 at 11:02 am
corrie
I was directed here by a friend as last week our son was stillborn at 25 weeks. Thanks for sharing your grief, it gave me permission to feel all that I’ve been feeling, whether it’s from inside a dark, cellar room or a bright, sunlit room.
February 26, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Katy
I’m sorry for not commenting earlier – I’ve followed your story for a while now and prayed for you and your family. This post resonated with me so much – our daughter was born 5 weeks early and spent 15 days in the NICU. I remember feeling so separate from the world as we drove to the hospital every day to see her. I also so appreciate your post on banning “at least.” Yes, she was a late preemie, and compared to some of the other babies in the NICU, our daughter had it easy. But it didn’t lessen our personal pain, and the last thing a suffering mother needs is guilt over the fact that she is feeling sadness. Anyway, thank you for your writings – they’ve been a blessing to me. And I will continue to pray for you all.