I’m feeling something today.
Sort of a sickish-saliva-sitting-on-the-back-of-my-tongue, stomach-knotted-up-in-a-ball type of sickish. It’s oddly comforting. The feeling actually started yesterday under not-good-at-all circumstances. Let me explain, my fertility clinic happens to have its own message board where ladies cycling at the same time can chat it up and help each other out. Pretty cool, since I’ve gotten a chance to meet a few of them if our appointments happened to be around the same time. We’ve had really great success, we August IVF ladies. I think I counted 11 bfps compared to just 3 bfns for those posting regularly. But yesterday, one of the ladies on the bfp side posted that her u/s did not go well, that they believed the baby had stopped growing and she was going to lose it.
I’m so very, very sad for her. And frankly, scared beyond belief for myself. Hence, the beginning of a knotted stomach.
So I thought that the stomach issue was just the physical realization of my anxiety. Honestly, I’m TRYING to be positive and think positive healthy-baby-type thoughts. I’m praying to God for him to keep my baby healthy and keep me safe.
But that little nagging fear just roots further in the back of my brain like a tiny tumor. And it makes me do bad things, like look up ‘miscarriage statistics’ on the internet. And like dreading the thought that, although NONE of my regular pants fit (thank you dexamethosone, my steroid I’ve been on since July, and post retrieval bloating) I’m terrified, TERRIFIED to buy myself a pair of maternity pants.
Most of you know I’m a therapist.
I would ask my clients a few questions if they were paralyzed with fear and anxiety.
- What is your biggest fear? Losing this pregnancy.
- Is it likely to happen? I don’t know, I guess not. Dr. Nice says less than a 3% chance.
- Have you done everything in your own power to help the situation? Pretty sure.
- What are you gaining by continuing to worry about it? Ulcers, maybe?
Waiting. Breathing. Praying.
Deep breath in through the nose,
out through the mouth.
In through the nose,
out through the mouth.
Um, still nervous.
Dang, I must be a sucky therapist.
* * * * *
OK I AM going to challenge the ‘jinx’ aspect here and go buy at least one pair of fitting maternity capris.
May lightening strike me down.
9 comments
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September 4, 2009 at 10:04 am
Kate
Hi- thanks for your kind comment on my blog of empathy. I’m adding you to my google reader, I love your writing.
It is very scary. I think that though you haven’t had loss (i think you said on my blog, forgive me if I’m mistaken) you read enough to not be naive to its reality.
I pray your pregnancy continues successfully and that you will see a happy little baby to hold in your arms when it is time.
September 4, 2009 at 10:12 am
Colleen
I think I forgot to send many congrats your way. Yay for baby! And I felt the same way when I got pregnant, it was so scary, I was afraid of loosing it or something going wrong or a million other things. But then everything went fine and my pregnancy, the little baby I was so scared of loosing, was born and now he is sitting next to me trying to get into my filing cabinet. Just know that while that happens, and us who have gone through infertility know it happens more than anyone realizes, but every day everything is going right is another day that everything is going right. Your chances of miscarrying goes down every day and by the time you have your first ultrasound the chance has gone down even more. Lots of hugs!
September 4, 2009 at 11:04 am
Tera
Love your ideas for Sam’s room! So cute!! I’m glad to hear you have a healthy little bean in there…can’t wait to hear how the next US goes too. I know how hard it is not to worry. I tell myself all of the time it’s a sin and this is the verse I cling to when I start to worry…
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man. God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
I have to remind myself not to be tempted to worry, but to trust God’s faithfulness. Ha, easier said than done, right?! I’m praying for you and your little bean(s).
September 4, 2009 at 11:31 am
Kellie
I know what you’re going through! Each week it gets easier.
Go buy a tummy sleeve! I loved these. You can stay in your pants longer, not feel “as guilty” and yet still have one tiny shred of “Look I have to buy maternity stuff now – cuz Im pregnant”. Heres a link. I know Motherhood sells them.
http://www.motherhood.com/Shop_MotherhoodMaternity/Tummy_Sleeve.asp
Good luck and rub that belly!
September 4, 2009 at 11:41 am
Mrs. Gamgee
I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’ve been with symptoms and worries. I’m glad that you have a bit of m/s to help ease your mind. I hope and pray that it continues to be enough to keep you confident in your pregnancy but not so much to make you feel too sick.
I think that buying a little pregnancy something is a good idea… I’m big on tactile reminders of things you can’t see.
Sending hugs and prayers!
September 4, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Amy from SK
Yep, Eve…been there done that with all of your feelings. I was convinced that we would have no baby on our first ultrasound….boy was I wrong when we saw both sacs and heart both heart beats. I was still convinced I was going to lose the pregnancy until later in the 2nd trimester when I thought everything was going to be okay. Then we had the pre-term labor and cervix issues and I never felt we would hold those little girls in our arms. Now all is good and I need some time away from them. LOL
Good luck and try to stay positive (totally easier said then done, I know)
(((Hugs)))
September 4, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Nishkanu
What you are feeling is SO NORMAL. It is not fun, it is not good, it is not necessarily even particularly helpful, but it is totally normal. Sorry, but even as a therapist, you get to be normal too. And maybe that’s all for the best.
At the risk of being self-promoting, I think you might get some comfort maybe from this post: http://hardknockedup.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/so-you-did-ivf-and-it-worked-what-now-preg-ment/
In the meantime I’ll be hoping and praying for you.
September 4, 2009 at 5:59 pm
KellyAnne
I am still rooting for you. I have faith that it will stick. You can do it……
September 4, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Tkeys
I know that feeling – it stuck with me most of my pregnancy. I think I relaxed and enjoyed a bit from weeks 17 until the contractions/PTL issues started at 25 weeks, and then again after 34 weeks. I was so afraid to believe it would be okay. I was panicky before each ultrasound. Hang in there! – Tkeys