I’ve been a bad blogger. Haven’t written a thing since Thursday. Gosh. Shame on me. So, I sent myself to time-out and then gave myself dirty looks and did a lot of accusatory finger pointing.
Now I feel much better.
So I started my BCPs on Saturday. Well, actually I started them on Sunday…but I doubled up and took one in the AM and one before bed. I was supposed to start on Saturday evening after my pre-IVF blood draw that same day. I completely forgot to get them from the pharmacy.
Whoa, how’s that for starting off an IVF cycle with the right tone?
Anyway, now I’m back on track, and so far I haven’t had to deal with any BCP induced migraines yet. Emphasize yet. I’m on day one of my last three days for caffeine before it’s quitsville. I decided to take all your advice and wean down to one a day and then go off rather than cold turkey of the normal two a day. I’m supposed to be hearing from nurse Peggy about scheduling my injection training consult before I leave for Florida next Wednesday.
All systems are almost a…
What? I leave for Florida next Wednesday? You mean, in like almost a week? Holy Crud!
So I was going to take my laptop with me, you know for access to downloading pictures, and editing pictures, and most importantly, for blogging. But I’ve decided not to blog during my trip. Probably seems like a no-brainer to you all out there, but I really did wrestle with this. There was a time, say 5 months ago, when I would’ve stayed up until 4AM just to post while on my trip.
I think I had a puppy love crush on blogging.
Blogging is in a different space for me these days. Don’t get me wrong, I love it still so much. In fact, I can’t really think how I managed my stress with infertility without it. Also, I think I have just about the best group of readers there ever was. You give such funny, insightful, and thoughtful comments that truly make me LOL and get this cool anticipation when I get a new comment.
So, I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have as much to say these days? No, that’s definitely not it. I’m busier? Well, that’s part of it. But I think the other part is that I’ve divorced my infertile self for awhile, and I’m not sure that I want a reconciliation before IVF starts. Probably why I forgot my BCPs. Probably why, though I feel generally excited about IVF, it’s more like the excitement about randomly catching a good movie on TV you haven’t seen for awhile.
I’ve certainly been more excited about purses lately than IVF.
IVF is scary.
It’s expensive.
It’s intensive and intrusive and
completely out of my control.
I think I need to autopilot this cycle. Is that even possible? I want to stay separated from the neurotically hopeful/pessimistic obsessing self this next month and half. I want to be at peace.
Geesh, I can’t even find the words to describe this…resistance. Yes, resistance is probably the correct term. As a therapist, I use that term as pyschobabble about clients who are struggling to stay focused on a particularly painful topic in therapy.
“What are you afraid of by going there?” I might ask them.
What am I afraid of by going down the path of IVF speculation, insights, and blogging?
Ah, this is too easy.
one little dagger of a word:
HOPE.
* * * *
Any tips on keeping sane during this cycle? Any of you BTDTs have this whole emotionless thing going on too?
18 comments
Comments feed for this article
June 29, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Brother-in-Law
Hope your trip goes well. I know things are going to be busy, but just plan on having lots of fun. And I think you’re probably making the right choice on taking a laptop on vacation… it can be a real pain (in the back) and doesn’t really help you relax since your email and everything’s just so accessible.
Good luck on the caffeine withdrawal. Sounds like I’m going to have to deal with a little new blog-withdrawal myself.
June 29, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Kari
My BTDT advice is take it one medication at a time. Right now worry about nothing but the BCP’s. When they are done worry about the Lupron. ETC. Don’t get to far into the future, that is when the stress comes. I hope your day comes quickly!
June 29, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Queenie
You don’t have to think about it–you’re going to Disney! With a brand-new bag! Fuggedaboutit!
June 29, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Sunny
I haven’t BTDT with IVF, but I have with IF. We are about to start treatment again with our new RE, now that our son is old enough for a sibling… and I definitely hear you on the “hope” thing. I am struggling with that soooo much. Because we are starting with the same treatment that ended with a BFP last time.
In 10 months, I could have a newborn baby in my arms.
Or in 10 months, DH and I could be having the conversation where we agree to stop trying, count our blessings, and heap all of our parental expectations squarely on the shoulders of our son, The Only Child.
I can’t help but hope, since it worked in the past… but in the dark corner of my heart, I am terrified that I am setting myself up for some serious disappointment.
June 29, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Traci
Please just relax and have a fun time at Disneyworld. Enjoy the pleasure of your husband and son’s company. We’ll be here when you come back and post when you need an ear. IVF seems invasive and scary until you are there and you know that you just need to put one foot in front of the other on the path. Wishing you all the best on your vacay and keep well hydrated to stave off any dehydration headaches.
June 29, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Mrs. Gamgee
I’m glad that you are going to get to take a break from all of this. Enjoy your time in Disney, and as best you can, try not to think about august. And if possible, leave room for just a teeny bit of hope. It has amazing powers to get us along this road.
June 29, 2009 at 10:21 pm
babysmiling
BCP are a nice part of the cycle to cruise through and ignore. Also a nice opportunity for sex that has nothing at all to do with babymaking.
Distractions are great, as long as they don’t make you forget the complex timing of injections and clinic visits.
Then the injections start, and sanity goes out the window. Lupron is worse for many, but FSH (in my case, Gonal-F) was my own road to bitchiness. Clomissy has nothing on these drugs.
Don’t get me wrong, IVF is a great source of hope, and intellectually it’s very interesting to see photos of your embryos and all of that, but sanity is a relative term.
Enjoy your trip!
June 30, 2009 at 12:44 am
Nishkanu
Personally, my best cycles (emotionally) were when I was distracted by something more positive. Go Disney World!! I say feel free to ignore it as much as you want. And I am a firm believer in leaving the laptop behind for a REAL vacation. Though Mr. Nishkanu does not share that belief and runs around strange cities looking for internet cafes.
June 30, 2009 at 6:39 am
c by the Sea
i just finished up my first IVF cycle. i pretty much stayed emotionless and even through most of it, (aside from a few b!thchy outbursts that HAD to have been a side effect) anyway, i ended up with a BFN in the end and it hit me hard. i was trying to protect myself by not getting too hopeful, but it didn’t make the end result any easier. next round, i am going to look at it like i’m going to the superbowl. who knows what works with all this stuff, but if the BFN is going to hit me hard, i might as well have had some hope along the way.
as for the IVF nitty gritty stuff, i was nervous and scared and terrified of the retrieval, etc. nothing was as bad as i thought it would be, not the needles, the surgery, the PIO. just take each step as it comes. it WILL be worth it.
have a great trip!
June 30, 2009 at 6:52 am
Kimbosue
RELAX, RELAX, RELAX! Disney, a new bag, and BCP’s are all you need right now.
June 30, 2009 at 7:49 am
Ali
Take it one day at a time. That’s all that you can do. Enjoy your son and hubby. Your time with family in FL and of course the House of Mouse.
During our 1 IVF cycle…we were moving…talk about a distraction. But, feeling like an overly bloated chicken (yes, I had close to 20 follies on retrieval day) didn’t help much. But the distraction for the emotions did.
June 30, 2009 at 11:21 am
Michelle
Take it one day at a time and ENJOY your trip. I am so jealous! I think you made the right choice by not taking your computer. You need time to have fun and RELAX!!
June 30, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Beautiful Mess
I have NO advice, I fail! But i do want you have The Best Time EVER while on vacation!
*HUGS*
July 1, 2009 at 4:19 pm
lhoham
I, too, struggle with the hope issue. They say your chances are so much better if you stay optimistic and hopeful. Well let me tell you. I put all my eggs in the hope basket last time and it was a long, hard fall once I had my m/c. So this time I’m trying to balance the two. I’m living my life. I’m not putting things on hold. Do I want to go to this festival, but I might be pregnant at that time…going anyway. I’m not putting my life on hold b/c if it doesn’t work out, I’m going to be very bitter. Well, I still am a little b/c there are some things I just can’t do (drink alcohol, for example).
Don’t worry if your emotions are not in the perfect shape you had hoped they would be. Take it one day at a time and I bet you get more excited as you enter the process (and after you’ve had an amazing trip with you wonderful family and awesome new bag).
July 1, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Alana-isms
Glad that you received your bag in the mail, and are enjoying it. It’s SO nice to treat yourself once in awhile, isn’t it?
Sorry I have no advice. But I’m hoping your wonderful vacation will bring you rest and fun in the sun!
July 2, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Alana-isms
P.S. Please check out my blog when you have the chance. I’ve nominated you for an award.
July 4, 2009 at 12:58 am
Tkeys
Sorry this is a bit late – I’m checking in from vacation
. I was so afraid to hope during my IVF cy. I took it one day at a time. There were lots of highs and lows, and I really tried not to let myself get hopeful or excited about anything. I was thinking of IVF as multiple attempts. I was testing out my trigger, and while it stayed positive, I never suspected it was a real positive – I kept thinking of it as “not negative yet.”
I think trying to distance yourself is a good thing – it is so scary to get too excited. Just try and look at your cycle in phases. BCP phase. Stim to first u/s phase. 2 more days to follie check. ER. Wait to transfer. I focused on each step of the process rather than the big picture. It was a roller coaster, but it was manageable. And don’t give up hope – know that things will go wrong and not as planned, and that is NORMAL. I nearly had to cancel my cycle because of all the problems, and I was sure there was no way it would work. Well, I now have my Micah in the next room. Just try and hang on for the ride, accept that things will go wrong, and try not to panic about the journey. Easier said than done, right?
July 19, 2009 at 11:54 am
Phoebe
I hope you have a good vacation.
As a BTDT, the lack of control is the hardest part. You can not control what happens, and really, anything can happen. All you can do is try to control your emotions by not letting your mind go wild. I recommend meditating during your IVF cycle. It will help you stay centered on the present, which is about all you can really do. Oh, and try to take care of yourself the best you can! I’ll be here rooting you on!! (Sorry I haven’t commented much lately, but I’ve been really busy. Drop a line on my blog when you have a chance, eh?)